Hiiii again.

Fell in love with astrology as I've always felt that it was so true for me. I'd read extensively into my own horoscope through English portals when I realised I may discover more revelations through the Chinese sites. And this led me to realise that I've only focused on my sun sign all the while when there are more signs to be read e.g. moon sign, ascendant sign and MORE importantly, venus sign (relates to the attitude that people have towards love). So apparently, what they say across my various signs are quite accurate. And the reason why I felt I HAD to post was that I came across this Chinese site on my venus sign and it is soooooo scarily true:

【如何瞭解金星白羊的他】
1.單挑自己喜歡的部分去回味
張愛玲曾經這樣描寫一個年輕人略帶憧憬的朦朧愛情：“他單揀她身上較詩意的部分去注意，去回味。他知道他愛的不是沁西亞，他是為戀愛而戀愛。”這句話，仿佛天生是為金星白羊準備的。
善於用想像來愛，是金星白羊的一種戀愛的重要特徵。他們會抽離出愛的對象身上可愛的部分，放大它、想像它，而努力去淡化物件身上自己不接受的部分。也因此，他們的愛情更多的時候像是跟自己的精神進行的一場戀愛，而那個對象剛好成為他們戀愛的具體載體。
2.保鮮期短暫的秘密
擁有想像力的愛情是美好的，但往往也是易碎的。
因為，太多自己的想像在裡頭，等於為這份愛情加上了預設。於是，這個愛情一旦沒有按照他的預想發展，尤其是當物件的作為與他的預設反向而發展時，就會出現巨大的失望。
很多人以為金星白羊是一個對他人採取考試態度的位置，實際上，這並未抓住要點。真正的問題是，在一個善於靠想像來填補空虛的愛情裡，反而會害怕彼此的距離太近，因為接近後，每個人的缺點就暴露了出來，也往往就代表著自己那一相情願的想像破滅了。為此，有期許的愛情，在金星白羊那裡總是容易幻滅，這也是金星白羊對一份愛缺乏保鮮力的原因。
3.有限度的忍耐
金星白羊這樣一種想像式的愛情，往往就要面臨諸多的失望。那麼，倘若你的表現會持續傷害到他，他就會從一開始的滿心歡喜，變得慢慢地為了愛情作出退讓和忍耐。但是向來我行我素、凡事以自我為中心的金星白羊，又能忍耐多久呢？顯然，這種耐性是短暫的。當快樂與不快之間的比重漸漸產生傾斜，金星白羊就有點開始厭倦了。這時候，也是他最容易不耐煩的時候，很可能會為了一點點小事就選擇分手，因為，對於你來說只是微不足道小事，對他來說，卻是心裡的不滿積蓄到了一個點的爆發。不要隨意挑戰金星白羊的忍耐極限，他們可不是耐久性高的金星星座，倘若你想擁有他，就必須讓著他、哄著他一點。

Source: http://12zs.blogspot.sg/2013/02/blog-post_8.html

Okay, so the gist is that I am a dreamer! "善於用想像來愛，是金星白羊的一種戀愛的重要特徵。...也因此，他們的愛情更多的時候像是跟自己的精神進行的一場戀愛，而那個對象剛好成為他們戀愛的具體載體。" I tend to live in my fantasies. Always imagining how things will pan out, how something romantic or magical may unravel before me. Hence, it may be true that I am often in a relationship with myself instead of my lover. I guess it is quite sad for whoever my partner is, then. But how am I supposed to kick this habit if I've always been this way. If only romance is my bread and butter, I would be filthy rich right now.

And another line that hit the spot is that I "為戀愛而戀愛" (love for love) which is somehow like what Maddie says in "Walking on Sunshine" - "I fall in the love with the idea of love". When did I start doing this to myself? I seriously don't know. Maybe in kindergarden? When I had my first crush? I mean, how many little girls of 5-6 years old know what liking someone means? Well, I did. And I carried on this knowledge and this unassuming practice ever since. I've once thought I might be mad or weird or just maturing earlier than most people. But it was until today that I realised that it was in me ALL THE WHILE. It's in my stars. Aww, love how this sounds. Soooo, I am all set to be the world's greatest pretend lover! Wow, bet I would be left on the shelf for life. #foreveralone. I mean, given everything I just read, it only ascertains what I've always been assuming the kind of lover I am. AND IT DOES NOT HELP ONE BIT. It makes me sound very hard to please as I will always have these hopes and dreams and HOW CAN I NOT BE DISAPPOINTED? Unless I meet a very GREAT guy - like the kind that is a perfect 10, which is nearly impossible! Hence, I will just keep stumbling in and out of love because I can never find ONE guy with all the traits I want. So all in all, my conclusion is that maybe I can hope to experience some great love from some great guy(s) but I can't ever settle down with one. Since all I will ever do is being in a relationship with myself and my emotions, so why torture some nice guy who might innocently step on this land mine (AKA me)?

Drats, didn't hope to get so emo after typing this. Oh well, nothing will stop me from daydreaming anyway, so I guess, EH heck it.
So guess I am back again....

After watching 2 romance flicks consecutively, a few heart to heart talks with my friends and an incident on the brink of being traumatising, I set off on a path of semi-reflection on what's life and love again..

I don't like complication so I seldom think about such 'deep' stuff, fearing thinking them will make them 'real'.. Felt the superficial me of the past, eager to find someone to fill that gap I have, so obtuse and dumb.. Don't even realised that I had it good when I don't know anything - of love or break up or heartache.. Ok, I think I can't avoid the heartache when I am putting myself out there since I am one who loves fantasising and unrealistic romantic antics.. But then life throws an awesome guy in my path but something just didn't feel right.. It was not evident for the first few months but then my true ugly self came out and I can't stand myself behaving so horribly to him and to myself anymore.. So I made the difficult decision.. When I first ended it all, I believe I was pretty selfish since I was mainly thinking about my feelings, about how uncomfortable I was feeling and I can't stand staying like that.. Suddenly the love of my life became less important and was just like a friend to me.. I wanted to give it some time before calling it quits, to examine my feelings further.. But the selfish me just can't take it.. Then a few other things happened after our breakup over 3 years since, where I take on my selfish role again, thinking of only my feelings.. Rejected people that I know I can't reciprocate their feelings.. Gradually, I became afraid.. What if all my life I have to live through failed relationships, is it better if I don't even start in the first place? Similarly, if I don't like someone, then I won't need to feel the sadness of them not feeling the same way back.. I start to think maybe, happiness with myself is what I have to be contented with.. Since I can do it by myself now, why do I still need someone else with me? Worse still, if I let in someone who I know is nice but I know I can't like them enough.. Then what's the point that I broke up in the first place? I've spent my life searching for that 'love' and I am definitely not gonna stop now.. Maybe when I see my friends get settled down one by one, it'll stress me but I must never forget why I put myself though the pain of break up in the first place.. I need and MUST find that right one or at least the right feeling, no matter how long it takes.. I can't be swayed by a maybe..

Well then there is the issue of life.. Of my friendships and my career.. They say as you grow older, you will be able to tell the friends that will truly stay by your side and not just claim them in cards.. I guess I see why.. Sometimes the harder you try to hold on to someone, it just may not be right.. If a friend is meant to leave your life, she will do that sooner or later.. So there is no point to keep trying to hold on when she don't feel the same way back.. It may be a problem of timing or friendship reaching its limit/expiration date.. There is no one at fault but maybe it's just time.. Give it some years and maybe you will find each other back again.. Like what happened with one old friend.. Sometimes when things are laid all in front of you, we may still be blind to them.. No mediation will help if the people involved don't find it worthwhile to hold on.. Well, while I fret over the possible loss of a good friend, the comfort of my other good friends keeps me going and touched to have them around..

Well, career wise, I really enjoy going to work for now.. The people are my greatest motivation.. But every jobs have their pros and cons.. So definitely, I will have to do some things that I don't like.. But at least the love still outweighs the hate now.. At the same time, I am faced with a dilemma of sacrificing this stability with my dream job that I might not get but I can try for it.. My heart is telling to try for it no matter what.. The worst case is that I will continue do what I am currently doing.. But.... If I do get the dream job, how should I choose....

I've always fuelled my motivation to do anything with a clear goal in mind.. But now I am slightly lost.. I guess this is what they call quarter life crisis? But I seriously think that if I were to continue with my comfortable job and spend my days trying to achieve fulfilment, happily connecting with my friends and family and go on occasional overseas trips, life won't be that bad.. I can really live with that.. But I guess it can be better? If I manage to find it.. Or when it finds me....
Sooo.. It's 2015! Feels like in a blink of an eye, I'd be turning 23! OMG, freaking oldddd! Could never imagine that the 23-year-old me would be like this.. Leading such a life.. Turning back time, wished I could tell the 12-year-old me, life would not be as easy as I thought.. I would have done certain things differently if I could return to the past.. Not romantically related, don't think too much.. But more for my future's sake.. Study harder, joined some useful CCA, strive for leadership positions, eat lesser to stay slim, join some fitness/sports activity, be more active in hall (maybe) or school events.. But oh well, looking at what I have now, I guess I should be happy? I have a bunch of really great friends that I can truly count on in times of good or bad, family that will be with me through thick and thin, supporting unexpectedly (of course, with it, comes the pressure).. Lastly, I guess I've come to terms with the fact that I am not suited for a relationship or not fated with one.. They say only when you stop looking, will opportunity come knocking.. So I guess being exasperated with it and giving up on finding will help? If it still doesn't, I am prepared to die an old maid.. At least, I want to do so in my dream house, with my dream pets and occasional visits from my family and friends.. I don't think that it's a sad prospect, I truly don't.. Singledom has its perks, definitely.. Just that I never see myself ending up that way when I was younger and more naive and optimistic.. Now, I guess I am just more realistic and mature? (At least, that's what I hope)

Currently, doing a short term job at a private (yet tied with govt) firm.. It made me feel fulfilling and think about what I really wanna do.. I guess no one likes calling strangers but which job won't require one to do that when need be? I really enjoy events planning where 'no 2 days will be the same' (as quoted from my colleague), so it really opened my eyes to what I wanna do.. Maybe cabin crew is not the ONLY way out.. Doing a job that allows me to travel might do the trick too? I think I just like the feeling of being busy and flying around.. If a job allows me to do that, even if it is not cabin crew, why not give it a try? Too bad I have my grad trip II in late June, dunno if I should even try for this job-hop anot.. Well, if opportunity presents itself, maybe I will cherish it? If not, I guess it's off to another greener grassland for me? I am just a quarter through in life.. So many more years to explore and find where I fit in.. Just hope the stress and burden of the eldest daughter do not drown me first.. Really enjoy this job but I truly think it's the colleagues here that makes me look forward to work.. If they are not here anymore, I'm not sure if I will feel the same.. Hmm.. Time will tell, I guess.. Until then, gotta cherish the few days I have left of being TWENTY-TWO~OOO~WOOHOO *taylor swift plays*
Watched 'Interstellar' twice! As good as 'Gravity', most will say even better but oh well, I just think they don't know Astronomy enough to see Gravity's beauty and realism. Loved the graphics of Interstellar so much! The wormhole, the blackhole Gargantua, the SATURN (ALL TIME FAVE) and the 3 exoplanets (water planet, ammonia-icy planet, and lastly the most habitable Earth-like planet)! Went to research on tesseract which was the 5 dim thingy that the blackhole apparently contain (up to screen writer's imagination, really. No one has ever went beyond the event horizon and lived to tell the tale.) Awesome show, to sum it up! The way the breathtaking views literally took my breath away and made me hold my breath and gasp or squeal (releasing that Astro geek in me) is just slightly embarrassing, especially since no one else near me seem to feel the same way. Can't wait for bluray to be out till I can re-watch to my heart's content! Love the 21st century technology! At the same time, was thinking sth along the lines of alien beings when watching 'The Host' (US) just now. What if the reason I am such an Astro geek and no one else seem to share my sentiment is because I don't belong here? Maybe I was from another galaxy that will take me so long to return that every one of my generation on Earth will die before I even reach my 'real home' (inspiration drawn from The Host). HAHA. Crazy, I know. Well, it's MY imagination. Or wishful thinking. I SERIOUSLY considered going on a one way trip to space and strongly believe I will not mind dying once I catch a glimpse of the outer space, comprising of stars and galaxies (not just the solar system, as that would be lame), first hand. Obviously I can't touch them, though they are the only thing I ever wanted so badly to feel. So seeing up-close or at least first hand will be the next closest thing to be content with.

Took Astro this sem. Was taking it pretty hard after the paper as it was so much harder than expected and I was never good at memorising, I realised. Even if it were a MCQ paper, I can still walk out feeling like it's horribly done. What's there in life if I can't even do well in my interest? Well, my only comfort is that I have not gone through uni life in vain as I had accomplished the only thing I ever wanted to do - experience studying Astronomy like an astronomer. Enough stars talk, huh. Still have 2 more final papers to go before being free of SCH LIFE forever and going on my GRAD TRIP to Japan and Taiwan! Well, up till now, life's still pretty good. All that's missing is well, you know.
Dear Blog,

So yes, here I am again, with renewed inspiration. It's Day 17, no technically it's day 16, since I have not worked out yet. It's Day 16 of the 30 Days Shred workout that I've been doing (and that I like to call Want-to-die workout) which is thankfully showing results. This is something new as even though I am someone who like to see results in my predicted timing and that usually mean, in a short period of time, I don't usually get what I want. But hopefully this time, my pain is proportional to the results that I am going to see in 13 days. Whee. Halfway there. Can't wait.

Okay, besides my boring workout regime (it is for a greater cause which I will elaborate if I feel like it), the real reason I feel like blogging is because I've been catching this korean drama called "Can We Get Married" which explored the relationships of 5 couples (well, if you consider the mother-daughter r/s too then 6). The story of the two main leads started to get too close for comfort in the sense that it's too real to what I personally experienced. And because I broke it off, I kinda wished that for the couple too. Even though at the back of my mind, I know they will definitely end up together but at that moment I just earnestly hoped they break off for good. It just seems like the best choice there is. So, I realised (although this won't be the first) that I am too rational for my own good. Rational in too many areas. Not sure if it's a good thing or not. And also the drama showed me how a couple in love can face so much problems that challenge their r/s in the preparation to get married. How can it be? Isn't the choice to enter into matrimony together a signal of their undying love for each other and that this love will solve all problems? If I am told that: "No, love means the two of you have to face a lot of problems together and solve them indefinitely" then it will throw my rationality into the wind. My choice to break it off won't seem like the best decision for both of us and hence it would be the wrong decision. Which ultimately means, I did wrong. It'd be my fault. I don't want to face that if that's the truth. Feels like life is like a Math question and I have solved it using all the theorems I was taught, only to find that the result I proved, contradicted itself right from the start. Hence, at the end of everything, I have not proven anything. Pessimistic, I know.

Well, until next time. Hopefully there will be brighter things to talk about.
P.S. I realised that if I were to retire, I'd love to have a novel published and have another title to my name - writer. A dream, beautiful and yet, not impossible.
沉静的夜晚，只有繁星在无数光年外照亮。我只是在某一个星系里、在围绕某一个星星的行星上，敲打着键盘。脑子里突然浮现一些回忆和零零碎碎的想法。一股劲就想把他们都记录下来。所以才会打开久违没用的部落格，想把脑子里的声音清理一下。

Watched "Walking on Sunshine" twice in cinema!!! Yes, it's that good! :D

Fave Song:

It Must Have Been Love
Hannah Arterton & Giulio Berruti

Taylor:
Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely, there is an air of silence
In the bedroom all around

Touch me now, I close my eyes and dream away
It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time it run out

Both:
Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm

Raf: And it's a hard winter's day,
Taylor: I dream away

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time it run out

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

Awesome movieee! Can't wait for Blu-ray to be out so I can rewatch even more times!!!

adwin
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twelve09



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