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Wednesday, December 16, 2015 @ 11:10 PM

So guess I am back again....

After watching 2 romance flicks consecutively, a few heart to heart talks with my friends and an incident on the brink of being traumatising, I set off on a path of semi-reflection on what's life and love again..

I don't like complication so I seldom think about such 'deep' stuff, fearing thinking them will make them 'real'.. Felt the superficial me of the past, eager to find someone to fill that gap I have, so obtuse and dumb.. Don't even realised that I had it good when I don't know anything - of love or break up or heartache.. Ok, I think I can't avoid the heartache when I am putting myself out there since I am one who loves fantasising and unrealistic romantic antics.. But then life throws an awesome guy in my path but something just didn't feel right.. It was not evident for the first few months but then my true ugly self came out and I can't stand myself behaving so horribly to him and to myself anymore.. So I made the difficult decision.. When I first ended it all, I believe I was pretty selfish since I was mainly thinking about my feelings, about how uncomfortable I was feeling and I can't stand staying like that.. Suddenly the love of my life became less important and was just like a friend to me.. I wanted to give it some time before calling it quits, to examine my feelings further.. But the selfish me just can't take it.. Then a few other things happened after our breakup over 3 years since, where I take on my selfish role again, thinking of only my feelings.. Rejected people that I know I can't reciprocate their feelings.. Gradually, I became afraid.. What if all my life I have to live through failed relationships, is it better if I don't even start in the first place? Similarly, if I don't like someone, then I won't need to feel the sadness of them not feeling the same way back.. I start to think maybe, happiness with myself is what I have to be contented with.. Since I can do it by myself now, why do I still need someone else with me? Worse still, if I let in someone who I know is nice but I know I can't like them enough.. Then what's the point that I broke up in the first place? I've spent my life searching for that 'love' and I am definitely not gonna stop now.. Maybe when I see my friends get settled down one by one, it'll stress me but I must never forget why I put myself though the pain of break up in the first place.. I need and MUST find that right one or at least the right feeling, no matter how long it takes.. I can't be swayed by a maybe..

Well then there is the issue of life.. Of my friendships and my career.. They say as you grow older, you will be able to tell the friends that will truly stay by your side and not just claim them in cards.. I guess I see why.. Sometimes the harder you try to hold on to someone, it just may not be right.. If a friend is meant to leave your life, she will do that sooner or later.. So there is no point to keep trying to hold on when she don't feel the same way back.. It may be a problem of timing or friendship reaching its limit/expiration date.. There is no one at fault but maybe it's just time.. Give it some years and maybe you will find each other back again.. Like what happened with one old friend.. Sometimes when things are laid all in front of you, we may still be blind to them.. No mediation will help if the people involved don't find it worthwhile to hold on.. Well, while I fret over the possible loss of a good friend, the comfort of my other good friends keeps me going and touched to have them around..

Well, career wise, I really enjoy going to work for now.. The people are my greatest motivation.. But every jobs have their pros and cons.. So definitely, I will have to do some things that I don't like.. But at least the love still outweighs the hate now.. At the same time, I am faced with a dilemma of sacrificing this stability with my dream job that I might not get but I can try for it.. My heart is telling to try for it no matter what.. The worst case is that I will continue do what I am currently doing.. But.... If I do get the dream job, how should I choose....

I've always fuelled my motivation to do anything with a clear goal in mind.. But now I am slightly lost.. I guess this is what they call quarter life crisis? But I seriously think that if I were to continue with my comfortable job and spend my days trying to achieve fulfilment, happily connecting with my friends and family and go on occasional overseas trips, life won't be that bad.. I can really live with that.. But I guess it can be better? If I manage to find it.. Or when it finds me....

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Jacqueline Teo
14.04.1992
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